Dear Numbness, like procrastination, you do not show me your face..... This contributes to the disempowerment i feel so strongly.
Why these intense feelings of disempowerment, the inability to move? What is making me this numb? Am I too afraid to look or am i perhaps genuinely deprived to look?
Like when one experience an intense trauma, that same shock feelings at every level, so much so that you are almost too afraid to breath. Cannot move my fingers, cannot move my body, cannot move my mind. It is as if my world stops and everything moves really slowly. I see events unfold around me and i cannot speak, cannot express, cannot move, can barely integrate and take charge and in those moments it feels like i will never put my life back in order again.
The only familiar sensation is pain. Pain from this furious disease that consumes my body. Pain in my heart and soul so intense I wish to escape into a deep, deep sleep protected by my council never having to take care of another thing ever.
Numbness, what are your triggers? How do you take control over me? I am strong and known to be strong by al that are familiar with me.
We all know that deep trauma causes numbess. Given the various levels of trauma i have encountered in my life, I know that a certain level of numbness wll always accompany me, even though i have done cellular release. But this...... I dont understand it.
Whoever will really ever phathom the true impact trauma has on the human psyche. Whilst the pscyhological fraternity has done tremendous studies on this subject over the years, this like some of the other really serious abnormal psychologies are viewed and analysed from the outside, leaving one to wonder what is it really like from the other side, my experience from having gone through both sides, they therapists world is often so far removed from the patients reality. Even I get it wrong at times.
Not so long ago, I struggled with procrastination but came to realise that the root of the problem is numbness and not procrastination. Nobody can function in a state of numbness.
Right now, I feel handless, not helpless. My wish right now is to grow my hands back so that I can pick a ripe pear to feed my soul.
Paris is beautiful and I love being with my children.
The intense loneliness and the events around what has made me feel this has left me so numb and so bitterly in pain. This is another one of avenues on the journey and I will face it graciously and wait as life brings me more such precious and unexpected gifts \ curses......
100331
Sophia
No comments:
Post a Comment