I have not penned a word in a while

I have not penned a word in a while and even as I sit here in front of my laptop, again numbness overtakes me, always numbness, my nemesis.

This is as usual, merely an opinion and a viewpoint that I do not expect anybody to understand or agree with, it is just what it is.

I have 12 volumes inside of me that I would just love to write down, test my written word against my soul and mind.... but alas, the written word escapes me.

Is it possible that you can escape into the castle walls so deep that you cannot bear to see the light, that the aloness is the only familiar?

Oh please, no pity, I am not more depressed than usual, then again, who is not? But in the moment of my dark night of the soul, allow me to wallow in the dark stench of that black hole that holds me captive, in my aloness, just for a change. I am at least at the point where i can call the symptoms by name and not hide behind, it does not exist.

We come into this world alone and we shall leave it alone and whatever structures, social groupings, vices we build around that, when we close your eyes at night it is "you" and you alone. When you fall out of favor, it is you and you alone, so better we get comfortable with that aloness or your life here will be an anxious and unhappy one or an empty pursuit for belonging and not being alone, no matter what the cost.

So many fall victim to co-dependence to overcome this fear of being alone, others take to other vices, others fall victim to eternal promises of love forever, like swans. Oh for heavens sakes, humans are not swans, we do not mate for life. Just look around you too see how many relationship break up daily and dont be fooled, even back in the day when divorce and seperation was not allowed, people were not "in love" for life like we are made to belief. Infidelity or just "switch-off" in relationship is as old as the sun and the moon and the stars.

Then there are those, and it is admirable, who choose to project a "I am so happy" attitude but for goodness sakes, just how sustainable is that and how much energy does it take to keep that up?

Not a long one tonight, just needed to get that off my chest.

As usual, it is me, my numbness and my aloness, trying to make sense of and understand this thing called life. In the meanwhile we await the second set of blood work, who knows what it will reveal this week?

Sophia
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