Another Chemo session, 4 years and 4 months later, treatment number 53. Somebody asked me the other day, how and why do you know the statistics and numbers of your disease so well?
My thought immediately, Is he ignorant or was that a rhetorical question . . . . . . .
I am writing this note for my own benefit because i need to vent what I am thinking and feeling for my own sanity.
After 52 treatments you know what to expect and the build up to the treatments is enough to make you give up before you have even taken the drugs. The anticipation of the hell you are about to face .....
I can understand how somebody must feel before they are executed, the thoughts that goes through your head never stops, and because you have gone through the agony and pain of a chemo session or sessions your head goes even more crazy because there is such a strong and recent reference to the pain, the nausea the vomiting, the mouth ulcers, the most intense headaches, body aches and intense inner pain, bleeding stomach. Then I think to myself "this chemotherapy is going to kill me before the cancer does".
Last night as this poison took possession of my being again, just for a change, I felt hate and rage and anger and physically it felt like there was a raging war inside my body. Then at around 2am this morning, the vomiting started. The agony in my body for getting up and going to the bathroom is indescribable.
Eventually, i lay down on the floor next to the toilet, no strength to get up and go back to bed. I sleep for a while and the coolness from the floor tiles is such a welcome relieve. It is raining outside, beautiful soft rain, exactly the same way it is raining from my eyes.
I am reminded of my loneliness and aloness through this journey. Here I am facing the most difficult time in my life and I am doing it alone. Then rage sets in because surely that is not the way life is meant to be? Surely we are meant to be with the person we love when we go through such fierce battles?
The decision not to burden my children and elderly mother with looking after me was a tough one, but it is better for them, they are coping better. The decision to want the person that I love to walk this journey with me appears as a selfish decision because he is not coping with my disease or seeing this strong person in his life this weak.
I drag myself up from the bathroom after what feels like an eternity. I look on the watch 4:53, I go back to bed and then I sleep, finally...........
This will be my reality for the next four nights. Am I strong enough to do this and the next 3 sessions that was prescribed?
Not sure I can, really not sure that I can. The movie keeps playing through my head of all the sessions before and the rage comes up again. I have done my part, I have graciously and sometimes not so graciously fought this dreadful monster and I tired, so very very tired. I have even surrendered, nothing helps, NOTHING....
Those close to me know that I snap out of a chemo session quite quickly and my resilience will probably keep me alive, just right now as i lay in my bed I am not sure that I want to carry on. I shall go to sleep and I think, no I know I will wake up tomorrow and Sunday and Monday and Tuesday and by Wednesday I will be back to work and my sanity. What kills me is the thought of another four nights of this.
Unitl then, forgive my anger, sadness and melancholy.
100122
Sophia
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