Let me clarify right at the outset.
I am not a feminist,
I am not a man hater,
I am a women with a story to tell and in some instances it is not perhaps a nice story, but it is my story and I am special and this stuff is REAL. I am proud to give expression to it.
If you have serious sexist issues or are a senstive reader, perhaps abort this read now.
Right now my feelings of disgust, dissapointment, raw nausea and intense anger is most prevalent.
I get home and rub my nose irritably. Man in my life tells me, give me 300 good reasons for why you are so edgy.
1 Men
2 Men
3 Men
99 Men
156 Men
199 Men
200 Men
300 Men and every number in between represented men and not just men, flavored descriptions of men.
It became good banter between us about women this and men this. The joke about men of course lasted the best part of 2 hours over dinner and turned almost into a defending the cave man / women. It was great fun and llightened the spirits a little.
It is not just the events of the day that got me wound up however, it is also 100 reasons why I am so angry at myself for not spotting my blind spots. It took reading a book I had read before to open my eyes to what is so blatantly obvious. Furhter to this I had a coaching session with a friend and a client this afternoon to reveal that which I was not aware existed and none of it was pleasant.
Back to the book I just read, it opened me up to be fully honest about my patterns that have led me to the situations I have so often encountered with men, at work, socially and in my personal life. You see the abuse perpetuates and repeats in the most deceptive and clandestine ways, and we think that we have arrived and is enlightened only to find that we did not / do not recognise these patterns for what they are.
Just as I am facing my blindspots head on and actively dealing with it, there is an intense anger that wells up in me that those men who have so intensely stabbed at me, now, a day ago, a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, seven years ago do not have the courage to face their truth, face their perpetrator behaviour, continues as if nothing is wrong. Well this one is for you with love, I see your fear and your lack of courage and I leave that with you.
For cowards the road of desertion should be left open.
They will carry over to the enemy nothing but their fears.
And in verbalising this, I have found a level of peace. Whatever the outcome, I can face it deal with and be neutral about it.
Sophia
100802
Monday, August 2, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
It is back ........ F
Reality is setting in slowly but surely.
Got the news almost three weeks ago that the monster was active again.
Two more sessions I am told.
Two more.
NO!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
A Journey through Chemotherapy, Not a pleasant read
Ovarian Cancer
Another Chemo session, 4 years and 4 months later, treatment number 53. Somebody asked me the other day, how and why do you know the statistics and numbers of your disease so well?
My thought immediately, Is he ignorant or was that a rhetorical question . . . . . . .
I am writing this note for my own benefit because i need to vent what I am thinking and feeling for my own sanity.
After 52 treatments you know what to expect and the build up to the treatments is enough to make you give up before you have even taken the drugs. The anticipation of the hell you are about to face .....
I can understand how somebody must feel before they are executed, the thoughts that goes through your head never stops, and because you have gone through the agony and pain of a chemo session or sessions your head goes even more crazy because there is such a strong and recent reference to the pain, the nausea the vomiting, the mouth ulcers, the most intense headaches, body aches and intense inner pain, bleeding stomach. Then I think to myself "this chemotherapy is going to kill me before the cancer does".
Last night as this poison took possession of my being again, just for a change, I felt hate and rage and anger and physically it felt like there was a raging war inside my body. Then at around 2am this morning, the vomiting started. The agony in my body for getting up and going to the bathroom is indescribable.
Eventually, i lay down on the floor next to the toilet, no strength to get up and go back to bed. I sleep for a while and the coolness from the floor tiles is such a welcome relieve. It is raining outside, beautiful soft rain, exactly the same way it is raining from my eyes.
I am reminded of my loneliness and aloness through this journey. Here I am facing the most difficult time in my life and I am doing it alone. Then rage sets in because surely that is not the way life is meant to be? Surely we are meant to be with the person we love when we go through such fierce battles?
The decision not to burden my children and elderly mother with looking after me was a tough one, but it is better for them, they are coping better. The decision to want the person that I love to walk this journey with me appears as a selfish decision because he is not coping with my disease or seeing this strong person in his life this weak.
I drag myself up from the bathroom after what feels like an eternity. I look on the watch 4:53, I go back to bed and then I sleep, finally...........
This will be my reality for the next four nights. Am I strong enough to do this and the next 3 sessions that was prescribed?
Not sure I can, really not sure that I can. The movie keeps playing through my head of all the sessions before and the rage comes up again. I have done my part, I have graciously and sometimes not so graciously fought this dreadful monster and I tired, so very very tired. I have even surrendered, nothing helps, NOTHING....
Those close to me know that I snap out of a chemo session quite quickly and my resilience will probably keep me alive, just right now as i lay in my bed I am not sure that I want to carry on. I shall go to sleep and I think, no I know I will wake up tomorrow and Sunday and Monday and Tuesday and by Wednesday I will be back to work and my sanity. What kills me is the thought of another four nights of this.
Unitl then, forgive my anger, sadness and melancholy.
100122
Sophia
Another Chemo session, 4 years and 4 months later, treatment number 53. Somebody asked me the other day, how and why do you know the statistics and numbers of your disease so well?
My thought immediately, Is he ignorant or was that a rhetorical question . . . . . . .
I am writing this note for my own benefit because i need to vent what I am thinking and feeling for my own sanity.
After 52 treatments you know what to expect and the build up to the treatments is enough to make you give up before you have even taken the drugs. The anticipation of the hell you are about to face .....
I can understand how somebody must feel before they are executed, the thoughts that goes through your head never stops, and because you have gone through the agony and pain of a chemo session or sessions your head goes even more crazy because there is such a strong and recent reference to the pain, the nausea the vomiting, the mouth ulcers, the most intense headaches, body aches and intense inner pain, bleeding stomach. Then I think to myself "this chemotherapy is going to kill me before the cancer does".
Last night as this poison took possession of my being again, just for a change, I felt hate and rage and anger and physically it felt like there was a raging war inside my body. Then at around 2am this morning, the vomiting started. The agony in my body for getting up and going to the bathroom is indescribable.
Eventually, i lay down on the floor next to the toilet, no strength to get up and go back to bed. I sleep for a while and the coolness from the floor tiles is such a welcome relieve. It is raining outside, beautiful soft rain, exactly the same way it is raining from my eyes.
I am reminded of my loneliness and aloness through this journey. Here I am facing the most difficult time in my life and I am doing it alone. Then rage sets in because surely that is not the way life is meant to be? Surely we are meant to be with the person we love when we go through such fierce battles?
The decision not to burden my children and elderly mother with looking after me was a tough one, but it is better for them, they are coping better. The decision to want the person that I love to walk this journey with me appears as a selfish decision because he is not coping with my disease or seeing this strong person in his life this weak.
I drag myself up from the bathroom after what feels like an eternity. I look on the watch 4:53, I go back to bed and then I sleep, finally...........
This will be my reality for the next four nights. Am I strong enough to do this and the next 3 sessions that was prescribed?
Not sure I can, really not sure that I can. The movie keeps playing through my head of all the sessions before and the rage comes up again. I have done my part, I have graciously and sometimes not so graciously fought this dreadful monster and I tired, so very very tired. I have even surrendered, nothing helps, NOTHING....
Those close to me know that I snap out of a chemo session quite quickly and my resilience will probably keep me alive, just right now as i lay in my bed I am not sure that I want to carry on. I shall go to sleep and I think, no I know I will wake up tomorrow and Sunday and Monday and Tuesday and by Wednesday I will be back to work and my sanity. What kills me is the thought of another four nights of this.
Unitl then, forgive my anger, sadness and melancholy.
100122
Sophia
Procrastination
Procrastination
(“To put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness”
“To postpone or delay needlessly”)
Letter to the problem!
Dear Procrastination,
I have been sitting staring at my laptop screen for over an hour. The feelings inside of me…..
Nothingness, utter insignificance, complete emptiness and today like so many other days I have to complete deadlines, yet each such day is an endless procession of nothingness. My mind and soul and body are empty of motivation, passion and even feeling.
Numbness, unable to go to action but worst of all, the inability to feel emotion. Everything is so artificial and seems in a way surreal. I feel like I am sitting on the outside watching a movie, it is so bizarre.
Anxiety because I know I need to get working!
What is the problem here? Is it exhaustion, fear or is it some entanglement that does not even belong to me? The archetype of the saboteur springs to mind as well. I just don’t know……
Procrastination, please show your face so I can see what you look like and deal with you in the most appropriate manner.
I have so much going for me. I have so much in my head that I need to get documented, I have a million deadlines and my success on this project and dealing with my health is paramount!
I have tried to do this on my own, but I surrender in absolute respect. Please show me the way!
I have been successful and reached the masses despite this debilitating procrastination, it begs the question, how much bigger and better can the impact be if I lose this burden?
100305
Sophia
(“To put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness”
“To postpone or delay needlessly”)
Letter to the problem!
Dear Procrastination,
I have been sitting staring at my laptop screen for over an hour. The feelings inside of me…..
Nothingness, utter insignificance, complete emptiness and today like so many other days I have to complete deadlines, yet each such day is an endless procession of nothingness. My mind and soul and body are empty of motivation, passion and even feeling.
Numbness, unable to go to action but worst of all, the inability to feel emotion. Everything is so artificial and seems in a way surreal. I feel like I am sitting on the outside watching a movie, it is so bizarre.
Anxiety because I know I need to get working!
What is the problem here? Is it exhaustion, fear or is it some entanglement that does not even belong to me? The archetype of the saboteur springs to mind as well. I just don’t know……
Procrastination, please show your face so I can see what you look like and deal with you in the most appropriate manner.
I have so much going for me. I have so much in my head that I need to get documented, I have a million deadlines and my success on this project and dealing with my health is paramount!
I have tried to do this on my own, but I surrender in absolute respect. Please show me the way!
I have been successful and reached the masses despite this debilitating procrastination, it begs the question, how much bigger and better can the impact be if I lose this burden?
100305
Sophia
Numb......
"Weakened in or deprived of the power of feeling or moving"
Dear Numbness, like procrastination, you do not show me your face..... This contributes to the disempowerment i feel so strongly.
Why these intense feelings of disempowerment, the inability to move? What is making me this numb? Am I too afraid to look or am i perhaps genuinely deprived to look?
Like when one experience an intense trauma, that same shock feelings at every level, so much so that you are almost too afraid to breath. Cannot move my fingers, cannot move my body, cannot move my mind. It is as if my world stops and everything moves really slowly. I see events unfold around me and i cannot speak, cannot express, cannot move, can barely integrate and take charge and in those moments it feels like i will never put my life back in order again.
The only familiar sensation is pain. Pain from this furious disease that consumes my body. Pain in my heart and soul so intense I wish to escape into a deep, deep sleep protected by my council never having to take care of another thing ever.
Numbness, what are your triggers? How do you take control over me? I am strong and known to be strong by al that are familiar with me.
We all know that deep trauma causes numbess. Given the various levels of trauma i have encountered in my life, I know that a certain level of numbness wll always accompany me, even though i have done cellular release. But this...... I dont understand it.
Whoever will really ever phathom the true impact trauma has on the human psyche. Whilst the pscyhological fraternity has done tremendous studies on this subject over the years, this like some of the other really serious abnormal psychologies are viewed and analysed from the outside, leaving one to wonder what is it really like from the other side, my experience from having gone through both sides, they therapists world is often so far removed from the patients reality. Even I get it wrong at times.
Not so long ago, I struggled with procrastination but came to realise that the root of the problem is numbness and not procrastination. Nobody can function in a state of numbness.
Right now, I feel handless, not helpless. My wish right now is to grow my hands back so that I can pick a ripe pear to feed my soul.
Paris is beautiful and I love being with my children.
The intense loneliness and the events around what has made me feel this has left me so numb and so bitterly in pain. This is another one of avenues on the journey and I will face it graciously and wait as life brings me more such precious and unexpected gifts \ curses......
100331
Sophia
Dear Numbness, like procrastination, you do not show me your face..... This contributes to the disempowerment i feel so strongly.
Why these intense feelings of disempowerment, the inability to move? What is making me this numb? Am I too afraid to look or am i perhaps genuinely deprived to look?
Like when one experience an intense trauma, that same shock feelings at every level, so much so that you are almost too afraid to breath. Cannot move my fingers, cannot move my body, cannot move my mind. It is as if my world stops and everything moves really slowly. I see events unfold around me and i cannot speak, cannot express, cannot move, can barely integrate and take charge and in those moments it feels like i will never put my life back in order again.
The only familiar sensation is pain. Pain from this furious disease that consumes my body. Pain in my heart and soul so intense I wish to escape into a deep, deep sleep protected by my council never having to take care of another thing ever.
Numbness, what are your triggers? How do you take control over me? I am strong and known to be strong by al that are familiar with me.
We all know that deep trauma causes numbess. Given the various levels of trauma i have encountered in my life, I know that a certain level of numbness wll always accompany me, even though i have done cellular release. But this...... I dont understand it.
Whoever will really ever phathom the true impact trauma has on the human psyche. Whilst the pscyhological fraternity has done tremendous studies on this subject over the years, this like some of the other really serious abnormal psychologies are viewed and analysed from the outside, leaving one to wonder what is it really like from the other side, my experience from having gone through both sides, they therapists world is often so far removed from the patients reality. Even I get it wrong at times.
Not so long ago, I struggled with procrastination but came to realise that the root of the problem is numbness and not procrastination. Nobody can function in a state of numbness.
Right now, I feel handless, not helpless. My wish right now is to grow my hands back so that I can pick a ripe pear to feed my soul.
Paris is beautiful and I love being with my children.
The intense loneliness and the events around what has made me feel this has left me so numb and so bitterly in pain. This is another one of avenues on the journey and I will face it graciously and wait as life brings me more such precious and unexpected gifts \ curses......
100331
Sophia
What exactly am I saying? Discernment vs Judgement
My Grandfather, a wise old man used to say:-
"Jy is dit met wie jy meng"
"You are known by the people that you associate with"
Was my late Grandfather a snob? absolutely not. He was a distinguished gentlemen, a wise School Principal that never had a bad word to say about anybody. He was also a very religious and deeply principled man that cared for his fellow human beings.
Caring however did not imply co-dependence, it meant understanding that each person, including his own son have their personal journey to walk. He also understood that it was okay not to interfere or make their frequency your own, to allow them the space to do what they have and want to.
He would have understood that my father and I had nothing to do with each other for 13 years prior to his death, not because I did not love him or he me or that we had major fights or blow outs, simply that we could not be in the same room, we could not share frequencies. Do I judge my dad? No I accept him as my father and he has his rightful place, but I understood his life journey and my own and I further understood that our journeys did not include each other from a certain point forward.
Having said that my Grandfather was a religious man leaves me thinking that he would be deeply sad with the fact that I, his youngest Grand daughter, whom he always had a soft spot for, turned out turning her back on organised religion, he would never have interfered with this though. He would have just observed.
One thing is for certain, althought he structure of organised religion worked for him, he understood life and he understood it fully. I often think that he must have been so frustrated with what he knew about life versus what was contained in the bounds of organised religion. But I am digressing.
He understood about frequencies and how we resonate with what we have and allow in our space. The beauty of this understanding had nothing to do with snobbery but stating what is, honestly and openly without judgement.
This point of discernment and not judgement is often so very misunderstood. Because structure of organised religion and others dictate that one should not judge,(it is not judgement but discernment) or because we are lonely and too afraid to look for what really resonates with us, or because we feel we are no better we settle for and sometimes self sabotage by associating with what is fatal for our growth.
Then of course there is always the shape shifters that prowl and look for the needy, wear the mask that would suite the need of the victim and very subtly play them down, without the victim being any wiser to what is really going on. The perpetrator and the victim often co-dependent.
A friend the other day told me that I am way too negative and judgemental and I should just let go and let god. Well I am sorry, I am at the head of the ship of my life and I carefully and with great discernment choose the passengers and guests on my ship. This does not imply that I judge, I resent judgement as per the note I did on this but I exercise my right of choice of association.
Every now and again I misread a passenger / guest and allow such person on my ship and end up horribly sad and disappointed, which leaves me a little more discerning each time I encounter someone new and a little more cautious before letting somebody on the ship.
Yes, it sometimes makes for a lonely life, but a REAL life. What I have in my space is predictable and familiar and reliable and it fits my life purpose beautifully.
100726
Sophia
"Jy is dit met wie jy meng"
"You are known by the people that you associate with"
Was my late Grandfather a snob? absolutely not. He was a distinguished gentlemen, a wise School Principal that never had a bad word to say about anybody. He was also a very religious and deeply principled man that cared for his fellow human beings.
Caring however did not imply co-dependence, it meant understanding that each person, including his own son have their personal journey to walk. He also understood that it was okay not to interfere or make their frequency your own, to allow them the space to do what they have and want to.
He would have understood that my father and I had nothing to do with each other for 13 years prior to his death, not because I did not love him or he me or that we had major fights or blow outs, simply that we could not be in the same room, we could not share frequencies. Do I judge my dad? No I accept him as my father and he has his rightful place, but I understood his life journey and my own and I further understood that our journeys did not include each other from a certain point forward.
Having said that my Grandfather was a religious man leaves me thinking that he would be deeply sad with the fact that I, his youngest Grand daughter, whom he always had a soft spot for, turned out turning her back on organised religion, he would never have interfered with this though. He would have just observed.
One thing is for certain, althought he structure of organised religion worked for him, he understood life and he understood it fully. I often think that he must have been so frustrated with what he knew about life versus what was contained in the bounds of organised religion. But I am digressing.
He understood about frequencies and how we resonate with what we have and allow in our space. The beauty of this understanding had nothing to do with snobbery but stating what is, honestly and openly without judgement.
This point of discernment and not judgement is often so very misunderstood. Because structure of organised religion and others dictate that one should not judge,(it is not judgement but discernment) or because we are lonely and too afraid to look for what really resonates with us, or because we feel we are no better we settle for and sometimes self sabotage by associating with what is fatal for our growth.
Then of course there is always the shape shifters that prowl and look for the needy, wear the mask that would suite the need of the victim and very subtly play them down, without the victim being any wiser to what is really going on. The perpetrator and the victim often co-dependent.
A friend the other day told me that I am way too negative and judgemental and I should just let go and let god. Well I am sorry, I am at the head of the ship of my life and I carefully and with great discernment choose the passengers and guests on my ship. This does not imply that I judge, I resent judgement as per the note I did on this but I exercise my right of choice of association.
Every now and again I misread a passenger / guest and allow such person on my ship and end up horribly sad and disappointed, which leaves me a little more discerning each time I encounter someone new and a little more cautious before letting somebody on the ship.
Yes, it sometimes makes for a lonely life, but a REAL life. What I have in my space is predictable and familiar and reliable and it fits my life purpose beautifully.
100726
Sophia
System and Structure Injunctions
An area that I have given due consideration over the last probably 35 years of my life. Trying to understand the dynamics of systems and structures (organised religion, family structures etc) and the effects of injunctions as a result of this on individuals.
Where has this all left me? NOWHERE, still the same situations present itself, the same archetypes doing the same deeds of inequality some of it under different disguises but every bit as present as before. The situations have changed sure, but the inequality has shifted to a far more open but closed warfare, if that makes any sense at all.
Of course it begs the question, where have I acted out inequality in my thoughts, deeds and actions? It is always a two way street you see. How easy it would be to get caught in victim mode but you see as an individual on the road to individuation, you do not have the luxury to claim ignorance.
What to change then? A deep sigh and years of contemplation on the matter has left me with structural and systems injunctions that triggers deep shock, sadness and rebellion when I encounter inequality, however I am finally learning to integrate stimulus before response and it brings a level of sanity with it.
Reality is as follows, some things are not going to change and this is where choice comes into the equation.
In relationship, do I stay or do I go? If I go, what do I go to? (That is to say if you can just turn your back and switch love off, something I have not been able to do). Do I go to Loneliness or another selfish space that will make me feel the same or worse?
In work, I can give up my career and become a housewife (problem is I must find a husband first) or I can do what I do best? Focus on what is important and do not get involved with politics. When I am affected directly push back with firmness but with grace and be the example I want to see in the world.
With friends, well you see that is the easy part, I have become a loner, a hermit that shuts myself off from the world because it is easier than being open to the potential of any hurt.
Reality is inequality will not change, not in my reality or anybody else’s. The only thing that can change is my response to it and although I am working on it, at a personal level this is a major trigger for me.
In relationship surely there are two people and two people should equally decide and determine what and how and why, otherwise it is dominance and not a relationship. Change it you may say, I have tried I will respond. There is something holding me in this, perhaps a foolish wish that things will change, or perhaps I have become, by my own choice a victim of allowing inequality in my personal space. Or perhaps it is just a karmic link and contract that need to run its term.
Whatever it is, I will continue to love and live in hope.
In these moments I realise just how unbelievably strong the system and structure injunctions are on us. That I, a strong women who takes no nonsense from anybodyi.e. in the workplace, pushing back firmly but with grace, can as a result of personal injunctions, not stand my ground in relationship. I am a walk over of note.
Sophia
100727
Where has this all left me? NOWHERE, still the same situations present itself, the same archetypes doing the same deeds of inequality some of it under different disguises but every bit as present as before. The situations have changed sure, but the inequality has shifted to a far more open but closed warfare, if that makes any sense at all.
Of course it begs the question, where have I acted out inequality in my thoughts, deeds and actions? It is always a two way street you see. How easy it would be to get caught in victim mode but you see as an individual on the road to individuation, you do not have the luxury to claim ignorance.
What to change then? A deep sigh and years of contemplation on the matter has left me with structural and systems injunctions that triggers deep shock, sadness and rebellion when I encounter inequality, however I am finally learning to integrate stimulus before response and it brings a level of sanity with it.
Reality is as follows, some things are not going to change and this is where choice comes into the equation.
In relationship, do I stay or do I go? If I go, what do I go to? (That is to say if you can just turn your back and switch love off, something I have not been able to do). Do I go to Loneliness or another selfish space that will make me feel the same or worse?
In work, I can give up my career and become a housewife (problem is I must find a husband first) or I can do what I do best? Focus on what is important and do not get involved with politics. When I am affected directly push back with firmness but with grace and be the example I want to see in the world.
With friends, well you see that is the easy part, I have become a loner, a hermit that shuts myself off from the world because it is easier than being open to the potential of any hurt.
Reality is inequality will not change, not in my reality or anybody else’s. The only thing that can change is my response to it and although I am working on it, at a personal level this is a major trigger for me.
In relationship surely there are two people and two people should equally decide and determine what and how and why, otherwise it is dominance and not a relationship. Change it you may say, I have tried I will respond. There is something holding me in this, perhaps a foolish wish that things will change, or perhaps I have become, by my own choice a victim of allowing inequality in my personal space. Or perhaps it is just a karmic link and contract that need to run its term.
Whatever it is, I will continue to love and live in hope.
In these moments I realise just how unbelievably strong the system and structure injunctions are on us. That I, a strong women who takes no nonsense from anybodyi.e. in the workplace, pushing back firmly but with grace, can as a result of personal injunctions, not stand my ground in relationship. I am a walk over of note.
Sophia
100727
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A dream come true
A dream come true
