It is Friday Afternoon and again she is waiting, waiting for her life to rush past her....
Beautiful fiesty and typical highveld thunderstorm and hard rain. The thunder reflects the current being of her soul and the water so beautifully signifies the depth of emotion that just streams over her face.
The last 6 years, 2190 days, 52 560 hours and 3 153 600 seconds of her life.
She sees this wise quote, "Dont make somebody a priority in your life if you are an option in theirs" and the penny drops. Yet she is caught in the habbit of waiting, waiting that perhaps one day he will make her a priority, perhaps one day he will forget there is more than just himself, that relationship implies two people, not one with two sets of expectations and wishes.
She is feeling so sick from chemotherapy and she is alone at home..... just for a change.
Again, another evasive converstion about plans for the evening and the weekend. Other demands are considered but kept very secretive. She knows, her soul knows plus she just sees events play out in front of her eyes. He tells her he needs to make a call and that he will get back to her..... well guess what he has not and he will not either.
She feels like she has been waiting her whole life and now with this man, it perpetuates and amplifies the situation. He keeps his options open and at the last minute makes decision and it hurts her but it hurts people in his space as well. The political pleaser that ends up pleasing only himself. A sad state of affairs.
She can not plan a dinner, a weekend, a day out, a holiday even a Christmas. It is his way, his plans and fit in or fly out. Other's peoples needs are always more important and this is dae facto. She cannot even plan what they will eat Sunday, two days away from now. She has been stood up two years in a row a few days before Christmas because something better has come along or somebody was included and she had to be excluded. She ended up alone because her family had all made their arrangements, exluding her because she could not tell anybody her plans and commitments.
There are other complications where outsiders have interfered with the relationship through malicious gossip and he did nothing to protect her, knowing full well that the person who spread this gossip is a malicious trouble maker that interferes in everybody's lifes. Now, she is isolated from events and not the other person.
This incident some 4 years ago compounded the situation because there are business relationships involved so whenever there are any events, she, just for a change is not told that events are coming up and when they happen, he simply disappears and switches his phone off.
December she was supposed to accompany him to his family overseas. The malicious gossip monger and family (some 6 or 8 of them) decided to go with and she was dropped from the invitation. Unceremoniously. Now bear in mind that she has in the 6 years never been to his family overseas.
What is she thinking, the writing is so clearly on the wall and he just does not care. Perhaps it is true, perhaps he is just not that into her. Or perhaps he has not got a set of the proverbial required tools.
Thing is that everytime when she had put her foot down and tried to move on, he pulled her back. He then realises that she is special, yet the pull back and treating her right is always short lived. There are no other women involved, for sure, but he cannot commit, and not marriage commit, she gave up hope of that 4 years ago. Just commit and be "fully" in relationship with both feet.
Bear in mind that this is a strong women, in every sphere of her life. Tough upbringing and eventful life filled with abuse at every level. Is she really tough or is she weak by punishing herself? Dont ask why, she allows the worst form of abuse daily..... emotional abuse!
She found out a couple of minutes ago that he had gone off again for the evening and Saturday, after he tried to appease her with some other function she is allowed to be at. He simply snuck off, just for a change. She has had enough. She tried to call him and talk to him but he simply ignores her calls so she sent him a message saying:-
"This is the last time you have done this to me. Enjoy the sneak away and have a magnificent birthday"
She then lit a candle and asked source to send whatever energies was necessary in there to make the message stick.
I think she is ready to turn and walk...... finally........
"Let me not to the marriage of two minds admit impediments
Love is not love which alters when it alterations fnds
Or bends with the remover to remove,
On no, it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempest and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark
whose worth's unknown although his height be taken"
Shakespeare
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