How do you find a way to express emotions and experiences that will in words capture and project what you truly feel and then, transfer it in such a way that it touches souls?

This is not for purposes of feeding my ego, but for sharing at a level where you make the load lighter for someone else, give them a sense of relatedness and perhaps hope and courage to find and address their own inner demons and or just live life with a greater understanding?

You see I thankfully and willfully lost my need for ego some 10 years ago, when source kindly showed me a way to do my work and access my higher self.

Every descriptor I looked for to project what I feel and think and experienced seemed so hopelessly inadequate….

Altruism as just one of the thoughts or feelings as an option when explored does not come close to an appropriate expression. Unselfish, self-sacrificing, humane, selfless, philanthropic, and so we can go on and on….. none of it any good really.

Articulation in the English language is really hard, and if we look at what we find on the shelves it is only talented writers who were so aware of and yes perhaps so unconnected with the meaning of the feeling and emotions they experienced that knew and were able to find the right words and through sharing their thoughts touches souls.

So here I am knowing full well that I am only trying to get across what I really feel and what my life experiences have been all about. However, I have a story to tell and like I do everything in life, I am giving this my best shot.

Perspective……. my life filled with abuse on an emotional, physical and violent sexual level for most parts of my life has scarred my perception and shattered my believe in humankind to the extend that I do not even trust myself, let alone allowing anybody near me to even attempt to offer any kindness.

My reference has scarred my reality in such a way that my principal question is always “what the hell is behind your supposed kindness or offer?” My experiences unfortunately have been that in 99% of all instances where I have allowed people close, I have paid really heavily for it.

Self-fulfilling prophecy, maybe and maybe not. Maybe society is just broken and warped.

As a healer, my career has centered around the lack of care for self and others and I have used business as the vehicle to reach masses, teaching them about values, guiding principles, purpose, self awareness etc, and in doing so, get them to connect with their soul, their shadow their beauty.


The opportunity to further my work on a more personal level started after I completed a deep inner process of amongst other things shadow work and addressing the issue so many of us fall victim to.......making myself more important than what I am.... I addressed this by dumping “issues” and “baggage that are not my own, taking responsibility only for what is mine, growing acceptance of what I can and cannot change around that.

Growing up, I was very different to the other children in my family and in my friendship circle and that coupled with not understanding my gifts and what to do with them and my severe abuse, I sheltered myself through isolation from the outside world. Never to the extend that I was oblivious to what happened around me, just not letting anybody close to me or letting on to what I observed and noticed through sharp intuition.

My healing continued at a deep level through working with people on an emotional level.

The modalities in helping myself I embarked on happened almost naturally and it has been an amazing confirmation on so many levels of my gifts and abilities, of what it really means to work and live in both the light and the shadow, in balance in other words. Loose our own sense of self importance (ego), our inability to get on with other people, in other words loose ourselves and focus on that which is so much bigger than ourselves.........source. Having said that I have an accute knowingness that I need to be okay in order to do this. So Self is the most important person in my life.

I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to be a conduit for higher order work in my own personal life and then taking it outside to what I always considered a clichéd phrase to an old song. “heal the world, make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race”

I would like to share a current reality that has forced me to trust other people, an experience that is taking my healing of self and others through balancing giving and receiving to amazing heights. The people I had to learn to trust are my healers and the friend, I am slowly from a distance allowing in.

This reality has been hugely annoying and frustrating event but a humbling experience nevertheless.

I was diagnosed with epithelial cancer more than 4 years ago and have received my full share of chemotherapy, 47 sessions of intraperitonial, systemic and intravenous chemo and currently oral chemotherapy.

During the last 6 years but for the last 4 more intensely than any other time of my life, I suffered a number of tough emotional traumas mostly on a personal relationship level that was again a confirmation of my reality of how people can just not be trusted.

Nothing about this prognosis seems real and I know it is because I have been in denial about it for a long time. This is a perpetuated pattern in my life though and it goes back perhaps to the abuse at a young age, where you lock it away, face the world bravely and just get on with it with that deer in the headlight look in your eyes.

I do have a pit-bull terrier attitude to adversity but then…… the doubts and questioning sets in at this point and I question whether I have what it would take to beat this monster or am I living in a state of self bluff.

Is this really as bad as what I have faced in my 40 years; or is it just another Universal test? Well I can tell you my state of rage often makes me scream the questions. “What the fuck kind of sense of humor do you have? Don’t you ever stop?”

At this point, I feel all the associated emotions, anger rage, fury, sadness, feeling sorry for myself and yes these emotions and questions drive me absolutely insane.

Then, reality sets in, wack, between the eyes; trust the healing that is underway. I have the world’s best healers working on me and I dare not doubt that the love we are throwing at this cancer will conquer it.

I am human and as it goes with us humans I have millions of questions and very few answers. I cannot begin to tell you what goes through my mind every minute of every day, even when I am fully engaged in work.

My inner questioning is happening at a subconscious and meta-cognitive level. I know this because it is confirmed in my meditations and dreams.

I often feel out of body, like I am sitting on the outside and watching myself. I guess you can say I am not grounded at all. Floating like a proverbial angel, detached from reality.

I now at this point in time, take chemotherapy 5 days every 21 days and the nausea, the dizziness, the ulcers, the bleeding stomach and the headaches and pain is worse than any imaginable hell. It is constant. I cannot remember when was the last time I was free of any of this.

The probing eyes and endless needless filled with poison that it supposed to make me better invades my every being. I hate it with a passion stronger than any other passion I have ever felt, even towards my rapists.

That is perhaps part of the dilemma and reason for why I am not getting better. The anger in me and the hatred towards the process may well work negatively against the cancer. Much like fighting aggression with aggression, it is rarely a sustainable strategy?

My femininity has been affected at the most fundamental level and I feel like a “thing or an it”. Not only have I gone through the bald head phase, I cannot connect with softness and sexiness and just being and doing what any normal 40 year old women would/could be doing.

Walking up the flight of stairs to my bedroom leaves me gasping for air. Walking in a shopping centre or trying to do a weekly shop takes three times as long as usual.

I am however breathing and I feel pain which means I must be alive. I keep that in mind whenever the going gets really tough.

I have decided, I am going to beat this, I am going to start by embracing it, looking at it and giving it love and then I will fight for my life, because I have so much to offer and I want to do it.

I also want to love and be loved, fully, yes with the bells and whistles because the romantic in me says it is so reachable, so achievable and so deserved.

I will slowly open the drawbridge of my castle and allow my dragons to take me to look outside.

I look forward to this next profound step in my journey to live!