Judgement

On Judgement……..
I am not saying don’t judge, I am merely suggesting that we STOP, LOOK and LISTEN and then if we judge, do it responsibly…

Dictionary Description of Judgement
“Judgement - the capacity to assess situations or circumstances shrewdly and to draw sound conclusions”

sound judgement, sound judgment, perspicacity, judgment trait - a distinguishing feature of your personal nature

objectiveness, objectivity - judgment based on observable phenomena and uninfluenced by emotions or personal prejudices

subjectiveness, subjectivity - judgment based on individual personal impressions and feelings and opinions rather than external facts”


Judgement has been a big “THEME” in my life and I have gone off on tangents talking about it. I have been subjected to this from my first childhood memory. What follows judgement is normally rejection, but this is a topic for another write.

My affair with judgement has been on my part very understood but for a long time I did not have context around it, so I went and looked, at the true meaning of judgement and around that I went and researched why people do what they do.

I don’t think I will ever lose the feelings that unfair judgement wakes up in me, not just against me, against anybody, but I have a greater understanding of why people do it and hence, I can now stop, look and listen and act in the most appropriate way most of the time.

Off late, I have encountered and read harsh, harsh judgements against people on Facebook and in some blogs. I seriously had to bite my tongue not to snap out and fire off some strong worded responses. But I do want to use this little piece to wake up awareness with people in this area, so please humour me and connect with what I am trying to bring across.

What we say / do / think should be with due consideration, in context and with deep respect. It is irresponsible to fly off the handle and judge others or reject them on the basis of opinion void of fact, understanding for the person’s circumstances, getting in the helicopter to look at the full landscape. Yes, of course it is human nature and it is nice to judge, pass comment and get sensation going at the expense of another’s persons feelings, but it is a poor show of character.

The wrath of judgement done in this way is more harsh and damaging than what we give it acknowledgement for. It is one of those beautiful (sarcasm dripping) habits that we embrace and practice with so much intensity, passion and skill, and we are all naturals at it.

You will notice I say, “WE”.
It is in all of us and even the most aware person has this habit so deeply entrenched that they sometimes do it a few times before they realise what they are busy with. The unaware exercise judgement, play judge, jury and executioner and then justify their actions and express absolute disbelief that you kick back.

It is this very basic violation that gets my hackles up when people so quickly and so easily and without any context feel it appropriate to pass judgement on another, not considering the impact of their words and actions, not considering that the issue they are judging about is perhaps a shadow aspects of themselves that they are unwilling to look in the eyes?

When the urge for judgement comes up in us, should we not stop, look and listen and ask ourselves the questions before we judge? If we could just get that right, we are light years closer to creating a better world, starting with our own inner world.

I challenge each one of you to become a Responsible Judgement Ambassador.

The Castle, written by Dammit Denny Hoffman

THE CASTLE (for my Castle Princess)Share

"Life, misfortunes, isolation, abandonment,
are battlefields which have their heroes;
obscure heroes, sometimes greater
than the illustrious heroes”

- Victor Hugo





THE CASTLE
by denny



It stood high above a precipice
dark, foreboding and sinister
It's mighty walls impenetrable
to even love.

Far below the sheer cliffs
a wasteland - devoid of life
an emptiness flayed to the very stone
where every tree was down, nothing
but a stump left standing.

The distant peaks, too far for even an echo
so isolated and remote this fortress
a desert, abiding in solitary silence
that none but the most virtuous
should assail its heights.

And safe within, protected, secure
the gentle heart of a fair maiden
a heart that had know little but sorrow
that only her tears can fully express
waiting for the Knight who cared enough
to tear down the castle walls.

And while the lonely Princess waits
she tends the verdent garden of her mind
exotic plants which fill her days with joy
the one true friend who brings her peace
while cultivating the garden within.

How do you find a way to express emotions and experiences that will in words capture and project what you truly feel and then, transfer it in such a way that it touches souls?

This is not for purposes of feeding my ego, but for sharing at a level where you make the load lighter for someone else, give them a sense of relatedness and perhaps hope and courage to find and address their own inner demons and or just live life with a greater understanding?

You see I thankfully and willfully lost my need for ego some 10 years ago, when source kindly showed me a way to do my work and access my higher self.

Every descriptor I looked for to project what I feel and think and experienced seemed so hopelessly inadequate….

Altruism as just one of the thoughts or feelings as an option when explored does not come close to an appropriate expression. Unselfish, self-sacrificing, humane, selfless, philanthropic, and so we can go on and on….. none of it any good really.

Articulation in the English language is really hard, and if we look at what we find on the shelves it is only talented writers who were so aware of and yes perhaps so unconnected with the meaning of the feeling and emotions they experienced that knew and were able to find the right words and through sharing their thoughts touches souls.

So here I am knowing full well that I am only trying to get across what I really feel and what my life experiences have been all about. However, I have a story to tell and like I do everything in life, I am giving this my best shot.

Perspective……. my life filled with abuse on an emotional, physical and violent sexual level for most parts of my life has scarred my perception and shattered my believe in humankind to the extend that I do not even trust myself, let alone allowing anybody near me to even attempt to offer any kindness.

My reference has scarred my reality in such a way that my principal question is always “what the hell is behind your supposed kindness or offer?” My experiences unfortunately have been that in 99% of all instances where I have allowed people close, I have paid really heavily for it.

Self-fulfilling prophecy, maybe and maybe not. Maybe society is just broken and warped.

As a healer, my career has centered around the lack of care for self and others and I have used business as the vehicle to reach masses, teaching them about values, guiding principles, purpose, self awareness etc, and in doing so, get them to connect with their soul, their shadow their beauty.


The opportunity to further my work on a more personal level started after I completed a deep inner process of amongst other things shadow work and addressing the issue so many of us fall victim to.......making myself more important than what I am.... I addressed this by dumping “issues” and “baggage that are not my own, taking responsibility only for what is mine, growing acceptance of what I can and cannot change around that.

Growing up, I was very different to the other children in my family and in my friendship circle and that coupled with not understanding my gifts and what to do with them and my severe abuse, I sheltered myself through isolation from the outside world. Never to the extend that I was oblivious to what happened around me, just not letting anybody close to me or letting on to what I observed and noticed through sharp intuition.

My healing continued at a deep level through working with people on an emotional level.

The modalities in helping myself I embarked on happened almost naturally and it has been an amazing confirmation on so many levels of my gifts and abilities, of what it really means to work and live in both the light and the shadow, in balance in other words. Loose our own sense of self importance (ego), our inability to get on with other people, in other words loose ourselves and focus on that which is so much bigger than ourselves.........source. Having said that I have an accute knowingness that I need to be okay in order to do this. So Self is the most important person in my life.

I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to be a conduit for higher order work in my own personal life and then taking it outside to what I always considered a clichéd phrase to an old song. “heal the world, make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race”

I would like to share a current reality that has forced me to trust other people, an experience that is taking my healing of self and others through balancing giving and receiving to amazing heights. The people I had to learn to trust are my healers and the friend, I am slowly from a distance allowing in.

This reality has been hugely annoying and frustrating event but a humbling experience nevertheless.

I was diagnosed with epithelial cancer more than 4 years ago and have received my full share of chemotherapy, 47 sessions of intraperitonial, systemic and intravenous chemo and currently oral chemotherapy.

During the last 6 years but for the last 4 more intensely than any other time of my life, I suffered a number of tough emotional traumas mostly on a personal relationship level that was again a confirmation of my reality of how people can just not be trusted.

Nothing about this prognosis seems real and I know it is because I have been in denial about it for a long time. This is a perpetuated pattern in my life though and it goes back perhaps to the abuse at a young age, where you lock it away, face the world bravely and just get on with it with that deer in the headlight look in your eyes.

I do have a pit-bull terrier attitude to adversity but then…… the doubts and questioning sets in at this point and I question whether I have what it would take to beat this monster or am I living in a state of self bluff.

Is this really as bad as what I have faced in my 40 years; or is it just another Universal test? Well I can tell you my state of rage often makes me scream the questions. “What the fuck kind of sense of humor do you have? Don’t you ever stop?”

At this point, I feel all the associated emotions, anger rage, fury, sadness, feeling sorry for myself and yes these emotions and questions drive me absolutely insane.

Then, reality sets in, wack, between the eyes; trust the healing that is underway. I have the world’s best healers working on me and I dare not doubt that the love we are throwing at this cancer will conquer it.

I am human and as it goes with us humans I have millions of questions and very few answers. I cannot begin to tell you what goes through my mind every minute of every day, even when I am fully engaged in work.

My inner questioning is happening at a subconscious and meta-cognitive level. I know this because it is confirmed in my meditations and dreams.

I often feel out of body, like I am sitting on the outside and watching myself. I guess you can say I am not grounded at all. Floating like a proverbial angel, detached from reality.

I now at this point in time, take chemotherapy 5 days every 21 days and the nausea, the dizziness, the ulcers, the bleeding stomach and the headaches and pain is worse than any imaginable hell. It is constant. I cannot remember when was the last time I was free of any of this.

The probing eyes and endless needless filled with poison that it supposed to make me better invades my every being. I hate it with a passion stronger than any other passion I have ever felt, even towards my rapists.

That is perhaps part of the dilemma and reason for why I am not getting better. The anger in me and the hatred towards the process may well work negatively against the cancer. Much like fighting aggression with aggression, it is rarely a sustainable strategy?

My femininity has been affected at the most fundamental level and I feel like a “thing or an it”. Not only have I gone through the bald head phase, I cannot connect with softness and sexiness and just being and doing what any normal 40 year old women would/could be doing.

Walking up the flight of stairs to my bedroom leaves me gasping for air. Walking in a shopping centre or trying to do a weekly shop takes three times as long as usual.

I am however breathing and I feel pain which means I must be alive. I keep that in mind whenever the going gets really tough.

I have decided, I am going to beat this, I am going to start by embracing it, looking at it and giving it love and then I will fight for my life, because I have so much to offer and I want to do it.

I also want to love and be loved, fully, yes with the bells and whistles because the romantic in me says it is so reachable, so achievable and so deserved.

I will slowly open the drawbridge of my castle and allow my dragons to take me to look outside.

I look forward to this next profound step in my journey to live!

She is waiting again and the weeping Phoenix

It is Friday Afternoon and again she is waiting, waiting for her life to rush past her....

Beautiful fiesty and typical highveld thunderstorm and hard rain. The thunder reflects the current being of her soul and the water so beautifully signifies the depth of emotion that just streams over her face.

The last 6 years, 2190 days, 52 560 hours and 3 153 600 seconds of her life.

She sees this wise quote, "Dont make somebody a priority in your life if you are an option in theirs" and the penny drops. Yet she is caught in the habbit of waiting, waiting that perhaps one day he will make her a priority, perhaps one day he will forget there is more than just himself, that relationship implies two people, not one with two sets of expectations and wishes.

She is feeling so sick from chemotherapy and she is alone at home..... just for a change.

Again, another evasive converstion about plans for the evening and the weekend. Other demands are considered but kept very secretive. She knows, her soul knows plus she just sees events play out in front of her eyes. He tells her he needs to make a call and that he will get back to her..... well guess what he has not and he will not either.

She feels like she has been waiting her whole life and now with this man, it perpetuates and amplifies the situation. He keeps his options open and at the last minute makes decision and it hurts her but it hurts people in his space as well. The political pleaser that ends up pleasing only himself. A sad state of affairs.

She can not plan a dinner, a weekend, a day out, a holiday even a Christmas. It is his way, his plans and fit in or fly out. Other's peoples needs are always more important and this is dae facto. She cannot even plan what they will eat Sunday, two days away from now. She has been stood up two years in a row a few days before Christmas because something better has come along or somebody was included and she had to be excluded. She ended up alone because her family had all made their arrangements, exluding her because she could not tell anybody her plans and commitments.

There are other complications where outsiders have interfered with the relationship through malicious gossip and he did nothing to protect her, knowing full well that the person who spread this gossip is a malicious trouble maker that interferes in everybody's lifes. Now, she is isolated from events and not the other person.

This incident some 4 years ago compounded the situation because there are business relationships involved so whenever there are any events, she, just for a change is not told that events are coming up and when they happen, he simply disappears and switches his phone off.

December she was supposed to accompany him to his family overseas. The malicious gossip monger and family (some 6 or 8 of them) decided to go with and she was dropped from the invitation. Unceremoniously. Now bear in mind that she has in the 6 years never been to his family overseas.

What is she thinking, the writing is so clearly on the wall and he just does not care. Perhaps it is true, perhaps he is just not that into her. Or perhaps he has not got a set of the proverbial required tools.

Thing is that everytime when she had put her foot down and tried to move on, he pulled her back. He then realises that she is special, yet the pull back and treating her right is always short lived. There are no other women involved, for sure, but he cannot commit, and not marriage commit, she gave up hope of that 4 years ago. Just commit and be "fully" in relationship with both feet.

Bear in mind that this is a strong women, in every sphere of her life. Tough upbringing and eventful life filled with abuse at every level. Is she really tough or is she weak by punishing herself? Dont ask why, she allows the worst form of abuse daily..... emotional abuse!

She found out a couple of minutes ago that he had gone off again for the evening and Saturday, after he tried to appease her with some other function she is allowed to be at. He simply snuck off, just for a change. She has had enough. She tried to call him and talk to him but he simply ignores her calls so she sent him a message saying:-

"This is the last time you have done this to me. Enjoy the sneak away and have a magnificent birthday"

She then lit a candle and asked source to send whatever energies was necessary in there to make the message stick.

I think she is ready to turn and walk...... finally........


"Let me not to the marriage of two minds admit impediments
Love is not love which alters when it alterations fnds
Or bends with the remover to remove,
On no, it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempest and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark
whose worth's unknown although his height be taken"

Shakespeare

Deep Humility

I have a wonderful job!

My work is my life!!!

I work and play approximately 18 to 20 hours per day. I work with optimising organisational capacity but more importantly optimising individual and personal capacity through a set of empowering tools. This has taken off over the last 3 years in such a big way.

In the business environment I work with magnificent tools and have been successful in assisting organisations to change and change for the better.

On the personal coaching front, I work with known modalities as well as a specific self awareness clinic and toolkits I have developed.

During the last 18 months I have had the privilege of working with 120 individuals, parallel to a big business initiative, but putting people through the self awareness clinics and working with Quantum Energetic Coaching that focus on our belief systems and how that trips us up. I also use traditional Executive, Team, Personal, Performance coaching modalities.

Last night brought me to tears after my client left. The processes I work with is non-evasive, gentle and sophisticated. Without fail my clients leave feeling deep peace and it is lasting deep peace.

The particular client I worked with last night has grown into his potential, completely changed his beliefs in and about himself and is able to identify, sort and order his inner world. This leaves me with a deep sense of humble and gracious appreciation that I can be used in this way to make a difference with every single person I work with.

This work allows me to live my values and purpose fully. My purpose that i wake up with every morning, even during the toughest part of my four year struggle with ovarian cancer has been, Wake up Sophia, you have trees to grow!

Seeing it all come together and seeing people claim the credit by ordering their lives and living fully makes me feel that If I passed tonight, I know that I have lived and lived well, I know that I have made a fundamental difference and for that I thank my Source.

I thank my clients for having the trust in me to assist them in some small way to make sense of this thing called life.

With humble appreciation

Sophia

Emptiness

To follow

Song of Life.....

As a performer, when you decide to perform a piece of music, the music of love, family, relationship, religion, survival, or whatever the piece of music represents, you take very good care that you know the lyrics, you train your voice to the best of its ability, then you feel every word and every tone, and octave in your soul. Only when you do this can you perform the piece of music with the honour that it deserves.

The song of life we are expected to sing as part of the universal choir of life. Some sing this particular song better than others because perhaps we are meant to compose and perform our own songs and not try and change the universal song of life.

We can sing and master more than one song in a life time, and in fact we should do exactly that. Some songs are meant to be solo, others are meant to be in duets, mini choirs and universal choirs. Through our own limitations we deny ourselves the right of expression and end up empty, frustrated individuals.

There is always the beautiful opportunity to rather than just perform, compose your own piece of music merging your own words, tones, nuances, feelings, octaves etc. We don’t have to be performers of existing music only. It is a beautiful reality that we have the gift of growth and it is our birth right if we choose to exercise it.

It is in the composing and performing of our individual music that we will give expression to our soul and when you get to that point, you will know that for the largest part your ladder is up against the right wall.

My Fok

09 October 2007

So, Kaapstad…… middag op die lang reguit pragtige Weskus highway.

Die kontras is beautiful. Vlaktes met soveel dimensie en kleur…. Ek staar vir oomblike strak voor my soos toe ek gister Paternoster toe gery het, in ‘n donderse daze…..

Die alfa state wat ek myself bewustelik in bevind laat my weer van vooraf tjank want ek voel dieselfde tipe emosies as gister, maar met een groot verskil. Vandag huil ek uit pure trots, verligting en wete dat ek die gevoelens kan identifiseer. Ek voel ook ‘n mate van pragtige verlossing dat ek nooit weer hierdie tipe pyn op hierdie diep vlak sal voel nie.

Voor my ‘n mooi wolkbank en toe tafelberg met haar fluffy sagte woljas aan. Dit ego presies die beauty maar ook donker en onseker elemente wat ek huidiglik in myself identifiseer maar meer belangrik VOEL.

Hier is sonskyn, sagte cumulus wolkies tussen die dig donker wolke wat dreig om regtige koue weer, reen en miskien ook storms mee te bring. Die wind is onstuimig en die see…….Moerig!

Alles so in een, my bliksem, dit is mos in die natuur presies soos wat in elke mens is. Dit is amazing, maar ons weet dit almal, hoekom is dit dan so moeilik om te glo en hoekom is ons so donders hard op ons self?

Ons is al die seisoene in een en net soos wat die natuur so pragtig is so is ons as individue nog meer pragtig maar ook by verre meer gekompliseerd.

Party van ons is bang vir donderstorms. Party sukkel om te cope met hitte, party kan nie ry as dit reen nie (dit is die geval met meeste Gautengers, nie omdat hulle bang is nie, hulle verloor net hulle koppe as dit begin reen) Party haat herfs met haar bruin rooi blare oral. Sneeu is vir meeste mense pragtig en vir ander eenvoudig net te koud.

So ook is daar donderstorms in onsself, as ons emosioneel oorverhit is dit ongemaklik en as dit reen, kruip ons weg vir die wereld of ons gebruik dit om ons omgewing te manipuleer, beinvloed of skoon te maak.

Ander weer voel gemaklik met die sneeu of dan emosionele onbeskikbaarheid en of afsydigheid.

Dit raak vir my so presies aan wat ons wil en kan identifiseer in onsself. Die skadu aspekte van ons menswees. Ons besef nie hoe destructive ons is teenoor ons self maar ook teenoor die wereld om ons is nie.

Gedurende die afgelope twee jaar het ek regtig in die spieel gestaan en begin besef wat my skadu aspekte is, die oorsprong daarvan in terme van familie oorsprong en geskiedenis en kollektiewe bewustheid van die omgewing waarin ek groot gework het en dan die effek van my skadu gedrag op myself en ander mense.

Dit is ‘n pragtige verligte realisasie om te begin identifiseer WAT presies maak HOE ek optree.

Dan skop ‘n afskuwelike wete van net hoe siek die wereld om ons is en omdat dit my verwysings raamwerk is, oorheers dit nog steeds op ‘n meta kognitiewe vlak my gedrag. Sien ek het bewustheid ontwikkel deur verskriklik harde “eie – self “werk en ek kan ook op ‘n sub bewustheid vlak identifiseer wat gaan vir wat, maar dan is die donderse werk nog steeds nie gedoen nie want dan begin mens besef alles wat jy geleer het van metakognitiewe vlakke en sellulere vlakke is regtig waar.

Oor die jare het ek net meer hardegat geword en vat geen bol van niemand nie (nou goed behalwe miskien drie of so baie spesiale mense in my lewe). Ek het geleer om my selfwaardigheid baie assertief te beskerm en te beklemtoon en dit is ‘n ongelooflike lekker spasie on te begin beweeg in. Mense wat my net lankal ken verstaan nie waar dit vandaan kom nie en sukkel maar om te cope met hierdie nuwe gedrag.

Dit wat uiterlik vir die wereld wys kan nogals vergelyk word met die bekende “dark horse” en dit pas my want dit beskerm my.

Hoe minder mense my kan lees hoe minder kan hulle my “hot buttons” identifiseer en sodoende my minder aanraak en potensieel seermaak.

As diep pyn en swaarkry en skaam nie in jou verwysings raamwerk sit nie is dit baie moeilik om te identifiseer met hoe so ‘n persoon voel en funksioneer.

Net soos wat dit vir ‘n misbruikte persoon baie moeilik is om met ‘n persoon uit ‘n sogenaamde perfekte lewe te identifiseer.

Hartseer, diepe grille en walging vir gebeure in my lewe affekteer nog steeds my droom wereld, soveel so dat ek gereeld wakker le want ek is te bang om my oe toe te maak.

Onregverdigheid en ‘n minagting van basiese menseregte, soos respek is iets wat my verander in ‘n bul met ‘n verskriklike seer toon en die matador wat die rooi vlag van minagting dra sal verseker selde leef om die storie oor te vertel.

Dit gese voel ek die effekte van minagtinde gedrag en onregverdigheid so diep aan dat ek van vooraf myself verenselwig met die pyn wat ek al vir soveel jare al saam met my dra. Die ironie is dat hoe ouer ek voel, hoe dieper voel ek die pyn veral as dit my menswees aanraak.

Hoekom is ek siek? Dit is maklik….. as jy my gevoelens van seer en hartseer en kwaad kan bottel sal ‘n druppel daarvan enige gesonde mens laat omval.

Waar tog is die donderse “off”switch om net die triggers af te skakel? Kan ek nie nou maar net ‘n geleentheid kry om net normaal in lig en geluk te funksioneer nie. Net totale aanvarding te kry en erkening te kry vir wat ek kan offer, al die liefde wat ek binne in my rondra en net wil deel met die mense vir wie ek so lief is?

Hoe doen ‘n mens dit, hoe vergeet jy net en hoe laat jy die pyn wat op ‘n diep sellulere psigiese vlak sit eenvoudig net soos water van ‘n eend se rug af hardloop?

En dit is nie asof ek nie probeer nie. Elke keer nog in my lewe as ek omval staan ek op met ‘n moerse groot smile op my gesig, skud myself af en gaan aan met die tenacity van ‘n pitbull, maar diep binne huil ek hartstogtelik met ‘n hartseer wat nooit in woorde beskryf kan word nie.